Six months later, the light in my father’s new apartment was different.
It was bright and clean, coming in through wide windows that overlooked the city park—bare trees in winter, now beginning to fuzz green around the edges in early spring. It was the kind of pale, generous light that made the scuffed floors look warmer than they were.
But it was peaceful.
No one raised their voice. No one sighed heavily from the other room to signal displeasure. No one slammed cabinets or stomped down the hall to make a point.
There was no need to walk on eggshells because there were no landmines hidden under the floorboards.
I sat on the living room floor, my back against the wall, watching my father and my son.
They were kneeling on a tarp spread over the floor, surrounded by sawdust and thin, raw wood. The sharp, clean smell of freshly cut pine shavings mingled with the faint tang of coffee.
David held a measuring tape, the metal glinting as he pulled it out, reading the tiny lines without squinting. Jacob watched him with rapt attention, a pencil poised over his little notebook where he had carefully drawn a rectangle and written measurements beside each side.
“You have to measure twice,” David told him, handing him the tape. “Because if you cut too short, you can’t add wood back.”
“Measure twice,” Jacob repeated, solemn. “Cut once.”
They had decided, together, to build custom frames for Jacob’s paintings. It had been Jacob’s idea, after my father commented one day that his latest painting “deserved a real frame, not a plastic one.”
“We can make one,” Jacob had said. “Like your bridges. Strong.”
Now they were on their second frame, Jacob handling the cheap miter box saw with surprising care, his fingers kept well away from the blade, his brow furrowed with concentration.
“Like this, Grandpa?” he asked, starting the cut slowly.
“Just like that,” David murmured. “Nice and steady. Let the saw do the work. You’re just guiding it.”
Jacob’s tongue stuck out between his teeth again, but it was a different concentration than the tight, careful focus I’d seen at the cabin. He wasn’t afraid of making a mistake. He was just trying.
A month after the Labor Day disaster, I’d found a therapist—someone who specialized in childhood emotional neglect and generational trauma. I sat on her gray couch and told her about chains and cabins and wine and paint. I told her about being the “easy child,” the one who didn’t need as much.
In the fourth session, I told her about the moment Jessica poured wine on Jacob’s painting, and my therapist said, “Your father finally chose you.” Continue reading…